My Self Esteem

Sorry I haven't posted ever since about this time last month, I've been pretty busy. This is one of my self-pity rants (except for the first paragraph after this one) so I hope you don't mind reading it...I just had to get it out of my system.

I found out that I got A's in both of my classes in college, which I am really happy about :D I was go glad when I found out. That seems like the only good thing going on in my life right now.

My self esteem and confidence has completely gone to zero. I was addressed as "my mother's son" a couple of days ago and it just made me feel 2 inches tall. I wear blue jeans & t-shirts all the time, that's not very feminine. Hell I got long hair and they still thought I was a guy. I want to be like a girl but I have no idea on how I could.

This PCOS hasn't helped me any either. Having to shave my face every single day is not an attractive thing and it really makes me feel really bad every time I pick up my electric shaver. I feel ugly all of the time and I feel so uncomfortable around anyone period because I'm worried about how they think of me (even if I know I shouldn't care). I even have a deeper voice than most women and I just can't understand why I just can't be a normal girl...I want to wear girly clothes and feel like I am pretty, I want to lose all of this belly fat so I can feel good about myself and my image...

On top of that, one of my best friends is moving to Iowa sometime next year and it's making me bitter and sad. I just became friends with her again at the start of this year (I use to be friends with her in high school but we had differences then and we stopped being friends for about 5 years) and now she's gonna be moving b/c she found a boyfriend and got engaged to him within 4 or 5 months of meeting him online. I just feel really lonely because it seems whenever I make a friend, some kind of circumstances come up to where they move away from me and I become a distant memory to them. If she leaves, I will only have one good friend close to me...and I hardly get to talk to her much.

Alright...that's my rant for a while. If I don't post before x-mas, I hope y'all have a great X-mas and an awesome new year!